when you’re almost convinced you don’t matter

Time. It’s our most precious commodity. A gift we can graciously re-gift to someone else, or one we can squander or horde like a miser.

I am cut to the quick today because I allowed my identity to be defined by how much time people will give me. Okay, so it’s not quite that simple – for them or for me – but that’s the squirrel nutshell version.

Enter the email:

“My next two weeks are SWAMPED! The meeting you need with me can only happen ___, otherwise it’ll have to wait a month!”

So, yes, I’m a sensitive soul. But is it necessary to not-so-subtly subtext “I’m SOOO busy I can barely fit you in! I’m doing you a favor to squeeze time out for you. (And a hearty squeeze it is, by the way!)”

The icing on my pity party cake is that a similar thing happened to me a couple different times today.

Ouch!

My heart’s a little tender, and I’m struggling to squelch the enemy’s voice that cackles, “See? You’re not worth WASTING TIME on!”

I writhe and twist mentally and shout, “Shut up! Get out of here with your lies!” But I’m a bit bruised and sore from the fight, and my heart needs a hug. While I’m nursing my wounds I can’t help thinking how Jesus had made time for individuals.

church-clock

  • He called Zaccheus by name and announced, “I’m coming to your house.”
  • He loved on Martha one on one, not in a support group.
  • He stopped in the middle of an impossibly-crowded street to give undivided attention to one who touched his robe in belief.

You never heard from His mouth, “My schedule is SO INSANE the next month or so saving the world, I’ll do my best to fit you in somehow. But I can’t make any promises . . . .”

Yes, I know He’s very God of very God, but here on earth he chose to chain Himself to time. To live under the same measly 24 hours you and I boast in a too-full day.

And I’m heart smitten because so often I’ve run over individuals in the rush to get much done. I’ve failed to hear the cry of an aching heart. I’ve neglected the “one” for the “many things.”

I suppose I can almost thank my Poppa for the reminders today. Of how He loves me like I’m the only one in the world. How He loves each of us that way! Of how the pain of even small rejection can pierce a hole in the strongest heart and wound deeply. Of how as I pray for grace friends my heart already loves, to come together and grow community, I’ll remember to value the individual over the collective.

Poppa, may we never forget how much You treasure the one, and may we, like You, love people one at a time for who they are and where they’re at. 

Janna, Grace Embracer

P.S. Who has showed you grace in the form of a time gift?

public domain clock photo courtesy of george hodan

1 comment

I am thanking Jesus for this post and for His timeless love. 🙂

Leave a Reply